a_mused | (no subject)

(no subject)

It was real funny how time just...kept on going. Moving. Even when you were still trying to grasp on to a feeling from a moment that defined you.

From her spot in the tea shop, Jane watched the residents of Yorktown pass by a large window, fingers drumming against the porcelain of the cup before her. Tea in deference to the preferences of her overly punctual companion.

Tea because she was done drinking away her larger problems.

This was totally not a date.

It was a meeting between two friends who haven't properly talked since her birthday a month ago, if that counted as talking. There weren't many words said. She was still getting used to civilian clothes again and had aimed for casual, but might have missed the bar. The dress was a little too snug.

This totally wasn't a date.

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Spock has to close his eyes at the turmoil he feels comes off Jane in waves.

"Stop."

He can feel her regret, every name of every person under her command that they've lost like a brand on her skin. "Captain... Jane...stop." He continues to hold her hand.

"Is this how you feel all the time?" He's ignoring her question, but he can't let this slide.

Jane flinched and regretfully withdrew her hand. She had been taking advantage. Some friend she was.

She drags her fingers through her long blonde hair. "Some days more than others."

Spock only hesitates for a moment before he reaches forward and takes her hand again.

"I cannot stop you from feeling, but you do not have to carry your burden alone."

Jane stares at him, leaning toward him as he retakes her hand. She can't-It's not something she's ready to think about at the moment, how nice it is to have someone touch her in a way that wasn't fleeting or courteous.

"It's my job."

"Your job to isolate yourself? To distance yourself from those who would take care of you? I think not."

Spock rubs his thumb along the top of her hand, allowing himself to feel as his predecessor always told him to.

"We all have blood on our hands, it is not just you. Doctor McCoy and I as well have made very difficult decisions... and yet you would never allow us to isolate ourselves. At our lowest moments on board the Enterprise, you were always there for us. Why will you not allow me to return the favour?"

"Because it means being honest." Have you met her, Spock? She's at her most honest when she's dying. Or practically dead. Or really, really pissed off. Right now, she's none of those things. She's a tiny little puzzle box.

She might be more emotionally screwed up than a Vulcan.

She might be more emotionally screwed up than her mom.

"I don't have the best role models for that. What does that even look like?"

Spock looks down. He's not the greatest at this either, but, lately, it's been easier. If his predecessor taught him anything, it was to embrace his heritage, human and Vulcan. To never measure himself by the ruler of others...

"It means you must first learn to be honest with yourself. Because from what I can tell, you have been telling yourself too many lies."

Spock laces their hands together.
There was so much he wanted to tell her, but he felt that right now was not the time. Her emotional state was too delicate.

Jane let's out a shaky breath and ignores the flood of warmth surging through her. She didn't realize how much she missed letting herself touch and be touched by others, she didn't know it'd make her want to cry in a public space that it'd be Spock who decided to be the one to bridge that gap for her.

"They're not lies." Not really.

Spock's eyebrows twitch in what seems to be disappointment, now seeming to scrutinize the table cloth.

"By that logic then, I am to blame for the deaths of the members of the Vulcan Council... and my mother."

It was a low blow, but it had to be said. "I was not fast enough, I was not good enough, I was not strong enough..."
Does this sound familiar Jane? He refuses to let go of her hand.
"Was it my fault?"

"No!"

Holy shit, Spock. It took them three fucking years to actually clear the air about that. Jesus fuck. Jane twitches in her chair and almost upsets one of the tea cups. She has to physically resist pulling away from him because she cannot-

"I hate you."

No, she really doesn't. She doesn't at all. And the rawness of that sudden spark of affection and wry, horrified humor traveling between them frightened her. "How do you stop blaming yourself? You've made...peace with what's happened. How did you stop?"

"By realizing that I had to come to terms with situations that were out of my control. I could have kept you on the ship that day and listened to you. Then maybe more Vulcans would have been saved. But then again, who really knows? Everyone on the Enterprise is there because they want to be, and they know the risks. No one is encouraging you forget the ones that we have lost... that would be an impossible task. But realize that more would have been lost had it not been for your leadership."

"We want you to share the burden, Jane. You have a dedicated First Officer, and a CMO many others on the command crew that are there to help you. You are not alone in this."

Spock lifts Jane's hand as though he was about to kiss it, but stops and regards her. "Do you hate me?"

"Well, sometimes you're a complete dick." She tilts her head, like she's seriously contemplating that question and not lost absorbing what he'd said before it. It made sense. The choice to attempt that kind of internal and external honesty was all on her. She'd have to try.

He'd made it a challenge.

Damn it.

"But no, God, no, of course I don't hate you."

"And you are stubborn."

Spock does that almost grin, where his eyes smile to show that's he's happy or amused.
"And for the record, I do not hate you either. Quite the opposite in fact."

"I like to think of that as one of my more positive traits."

They're still holding hands.

Jane can't remember the last time Spock prolonged contact with anyone let alone herself and they've been like this for minutes now.

She isn't sure if it's polite to disengage from someone who knows her so well and might view it as retreating.

"Yeah. I know." She ducks her head. "Friends."

"Hmm.. yes, we have been friends for quite some time. Although it was unfortunate that I could not admit it to myself until the moment you died."

"Five years.. so many experiences..."

He let's that sit for a moment, letting the silence settle between them comfortably. He relaxes his hand, she can escape if she wants to.

It feels like forever before he finally decides to speak again.

"I love you, Jane."

Yep. Well, there she goes. Jane's hand is withdrawn like a shot and she watches him like prey might stare down a predator.

"That's a pretty big emotion, Spock."

Spock's hand closes around the space where Jane's hand used to be.
"You do not believe me."

He sits back in his chair to regard her. "I am sorry if this was an inappropriate time to tell you."

"It's-"

She does, but she doesn't. Maybe can't. She wants to, but God, she isn't sure what she needs from him to believe it.

"Love is just- It's... look, I love Bones like a brother, he's family, but I don't just...say it."

Saying it like that is something you save for someone significant.

"Does Uhura know you're telling people you love them?"

Spock actually legits smiles.

"Nyota will always be in my heart. It just took me a long time to realize that she was always family to me. In the end, she understood what we were to each other..."

He ducks his head. "She was getting quite frustrated with me lately, because I was putting off marriage. I did not wish to marry my sister."

"You gave her a tracking device." She can't not point that out. She is not sorry. That was a high point of hilarity in a very unfunny situation.

"Made from Vulcan."

He wasn't going to deny it.

"Wouldn't you do anything you could to protect your family?"

"Sure, but normally they know I'm doing it." Or they find out almost immediately. Sucker punches and loss of control count as keeping people safe.

"You love me."

There. She said it. Now explain your words, Commander Spock.

Spock decides to put his cards on the table.

"I will never act on it if it makes you feel uncomfortable. However, if you wish to know my reasons... well... I believe it comes down to emotions. When I first met you, I hated you, and if you had asked me at that time why, I do not think I could have honestly told you. It was visceral in a way that I had never experienced before. After the destruction of Vulcan, I held a deep respect for you and your actions, and that's when I saw what kind of Captain you could be, and I knew that there was nothing that could stop me from being your First Officer."

Spock fidgets a bit, but continues.

"We have saved each others lives an indecent amount of times, we have seen each other at our worst, and you know more about me than anyone alive." That included Nyota, and it was one of the things that always annoyed the linguist, because Nyota knew before Spock did that the Vulcan had feelings for their Captain.

"You died when I should have, and I will never forget that sacrifice. I love you because you challenge me to be a better individual, and it has been my desire for quite some time to make you happy. At first I denied these feelings, and wished to go to New Vulcan where I knew things would be easier for me, but that was not the right path."

Jane is his right path.

At some point and she's not sure what point that was, her hands had drifted to her mouth and stayed there steepled before her lips as she listened. Her eyes were blown wide as he kept talking, saying more words to her in a minute long speech than he had spoken to her in almost a year and a half. She shivered as he came to his conclusion, and God, yes that was a conclusion and she was stuck without words.

Slowly, she unwinds, fingers drifting down from her lips to curl under her chin as she examines him.

He was so certain of himself.

And still..."Why now?"

He tilts his head, his eyes showing a level of fondness that he never allowed himself to express before. But there was also a hint of sorrow.

"Because I was... tired of lying to myself."

The ball is in Jane's court. He will love her, no matter how she wants to handle this. He does feel bad for springing this on her now, but, was there ever going to be an appropriate moment between them?